


To Stay, To Leave

by JayEclipse



Series: Writetober [2]
Category: Azrael: Agent of the Bat (Comics), Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, Cults, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Jean-Paul has DID, Past Child Abuse, Religious Cults, Religious Guilt, Trying To Leave A Cult, writetober
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 12:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20873897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayEclipse/pseuds/JayEclipse
Summary: To leave a place of faith is difficult, but to leave the place that gave you your whole identity is impossible. But a man can try anyways





	To Stay, To Leave

**Author's Note:**

> So todays prompt was "Mindless" originally i was going to do a zombie thing but i wasn't having fun with that so y'all get this instead!

There were nights where he wondered if they truly were acting out gods will, if they truly were an avenging angel, not just a weapon for the Order, or worse yet a fallen angel. The faces of the people that Order had told them had to die haunted him in his sleep and when he got moments alone. But he would never share that fact, in the Orders eyes he must always be the ever loyal and willing Azrael, with the name Jean-Paul only existing as a cover for when he had to speak to someone outside of the Order.

But that wasn’t how it was, they did have their loyal and willing Azrael, and he’d never think to leave. But Jean-Paul was there too, watching his life be used by people that he knew only viewed them as the sword of the Order, not a valued member. He understood these days why his father had tried to get him away from the Order, and he wished his father had succeeded.

But late in the night in his room, with the banner hanging over his bed and the dim lighting from the candles there was nothing he could do other than try to pass the time as least painfully he could. If he tried to leave Azrael would bring them back, or they’d be found. It would take a act of divine intervention, an act he prayed for each day he could.

* * *

There were missions where he’d look the sinner in the eyes… and see a victim. He couldn’t admit it to himself, if he did that would mean he himself was not an agent of god or of good, but simply a sinner in denial. But some of these people were virtuous people, they just happened to know too much or be close to finding out too much. But if the Order told him they were sinners then of course they were, why would they lie to him?

He had been always loyal and willing, ever since he was given the mantle and told to discard the name Jean-Paul and become something far greater than a mere man. His training had been intense and at some points… At some points he wasn’t even fully sure what happened. In fact that wasn’t a rare occurrence for him, and deep down he was aware it was do to the psychological ‘training’ they had done to them since they had been a child. Practically brainwas- No, it had been necessary, if that what was required for a proper agent of god then so be it.

He’d go through the pain, the tiredness, the endless questioning of it all from Jean-Paul who had refused to stop existing when the Order had asked for him too, the call of something better would just have to stay ignored. What would even be better than what he was doing? He tried to picture himself doing anything, anything at all without the Order’s guidance. And he couldn’t do it, it felt impossible. Like trying to imagine an angel being misguided by the devil. He slammed his fist against the wall.

* * *

There choices that were hard to make, to leave home would be one of those. But to leave the Order was even harder. They had planted it into their head that their worth came from serving the Order and their ideas of what god wanted. And that to leave would be of the greatest sins, to betray them. But to allow the other to stay, or himself to stay would be an ultimate betrayal. They had to look out for each other and themselves, they were worthless as an avenging angel if they couldn’t even properly judge who need vengeance. And right on the top of the list for the moment was them, they had been used and manipulated for their whole life. To serves the needs of a few men.

They still did good, no. For the first time they did good, before then it had been tainted by the Order. And now they were actually able to try and judge for themself what was right and what was wrong. By some peoples perspectives they probably would be seen as too harsh, but in their own did actually got to do right. Azrael was sure of that, Jean-Paul still questioned himself about it. But they were able to not let it get in the way of trying to work together. 

But there were days if they wondered if they had actually done the right thing, or if they had fallen into a selfish idea that their own comfort outweighed gods wishes and design for them. If the Order were truly evil, truly the ‘bad’ guys. Why would god let them use his name in vein? Why let them get their hands on children like how they had gotten their hands on them? And why let them feel like they had to go back, it was their duty.

They would find a place in the ninth circle of hell for this, wouldn’t they?

* * *

  
  


“Welcome back, Azrael. You will be required to prove your loyalty to us considering what you did.”

He was kneed before the leader, his head bowed. “Of course, I will do anything for the Order.”


End file.
